Monday, July 13, 2020

Book Recommendations to My Past Self Re The Awful Guys I Dated in My 20s

Book Recommendations to My Past Self Re The Awful Guys I Dated in My 20s Im going to be completely honest here- I was a bit of a disaster for most of my twenties. I drank too much,  struggled with anxiety, and was seemingly incapable of making decisions in my own best interest. This was especially true concerning my taste in men. In hindsight, I think I subconsciously expected the right relationship to solve the myriad problems I wasnt ready/willing to tackle on my own. I impulsively started  relationships, bulldozing red flags and clinging to romance well past its natural end point. After all, according to my dysfunctional rationale, who cares if you cant figure out what to do with your life if youre  in love? The quick emotional high of infatuation was a temporary, addictive distraction from the looming chore of figuring my shit out. But eventually, I had to admit that it wasnt working. I quit drinking. For a while, I quit dating. I went back to school and got a job that was both emotionally and professionally fulfilling. Unsurprisingly, it was only after I started taking care of myself that I met a charming fellow history nerd who shares my love of Jeopardy! and Jon Krakauer. When I look back at those years, I feel empathy for that floundering, insecure version of myself. I want to hug her and say, Youre okay! Stop dating guys who make you feel bad! Stop dating -AT ALL- until you take care of yourself! If I could travel back in time, these are the books I would recommend to my past self. Its a grab bag of novels, memoirs, and psychology. Some would help me feel less alone, others would make me laugh, and many would give me the courage to move forward. Id like to think theres an alternate reality somewhere in which Past Me gets an anonymous package with a note in my own handwriting that reads:  Here. Read these. Itll help.   Book Recommendations to My Past Self Re: Guys I Dated in My 20s   The College Boyfriend Americanah by Chimanda Ngozi Adichie What Its About: As teenagers, Ifemelu and Obinze fall in love. Because of Nigerias military dictatorship, many people are leaving the country. Ifemelu moves to the United States to study. Obinze initially plans to join her, but his plans are thwarted when hes denied entry. Instead, he moves to England without legal status. Years later, they reconnect in Nigeria and face tough decisions. Why Past Me Should Read It: This story offers one of  the more realistic portrayals of young love that I have read. At the same time, Ifemelus relationship with Obinze doesnt define her. While their love is genuine, Ifemelu moves to the U.S., becomes a successful writer, dates other men, and is a happy and whole person on her own. To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before by Jenny Han What Its About: Laura Jean hasnt told any of her crushes that she has feelings for them. Instead, she writes letters to them and hides them in a box under her bed. One day, Laura Jean finds out the letters have been mailed, causing each of the boys to confront her about her feelings. Why Past Me Should Read It: When my college boyfriend and I broke up, I took it pretty hard. Like, falling asleep to the dvd commentary of  Love Actually  every night for months hard.    The letters that Laura Jean writes are less confessional and more like goodbye letters that give her closure when she moves on from her crush. When the guys receive the letters, she has some explaining to do. Its the kind of light, sweet what if book that can be comforting after the First Big Breakup. Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari What Its About: The amazing, hilarious Aziz Ansari teams up with NYU sociologist Eric Klinenberg and designs a research project that focuses on how people find love in the digital age. They conduct hundreds of interviews and focus groups around the world. The results are as insightful and relatable as they are funny. Why Past Me Should Read It: At one point in this book, Aziz describes the ideal initial flirty text exchange. His example was remarkably similar to the actual first texts between my husband and me four years before this book came out. I could have saved myself so much time and effort if this book had been around when I was twenty-two. Plus, it explains things that didnt exist when I was in college, like smart phones, emojis, and Tinder. Just think of the possibilities The Cad The Paperbag Princess by Robert Munsch What Its About: Princess Elizabeth has an ideal life. She lives in a castle and is engaged to the lustrously-coiffed Prince Ronald. That is, until a dragon comes, burns down her castle, kidnaps Prince Ronald, and leaves Elizabeth with nothing to wear but a paper bag. Through a series of clever maneuvers, she defeats the dragon and saves Prince Ronald. Instead of the romantic reunion Elizabeth anticipates, Prince Ronald exclaims that Princess Elizabeth is wearing a paper bag and should come back when shes dressed like a real princess. Elizabeth basically tells Ronald to bugger off and lives happily  ever after on her own. Why Past Me Should Read It: Honestly, this book could fit equally well in any of these categories. Princess Elizabeth is fierce and independent. Prince Ronald is a total dud. Elizabeths confident self-sufficiency is an especially resonate message if youre recovering from a relationship with someone who refused to acknowledge your true value. Bridget Jones’s Diary by Helen Fielding What Its About: I will not fall for any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, people with girlfriends or wives, misogynists, megalomaniacs, chauvinists, emotional fuckwits or freeloaders, perverts. Bridget Jones is a single thirty-something who hilariously chronicles her romantic adventures, professional mishaps, and attempts to cultivate inner poise. Why Past Me Should Read It: Daniel Cleaver, Bridgets colleague and sometimes romantic interest, is the ultimate charming scoundrel. The cad I dated had a similar ability to make me feel singularly captivating while texting other girls on the sly.  Bridget Joness Diary  reminds me that the early spark from a charismatic admirer might be short-lived, but thats okay. I will find someone trustworthy and reliable, even if it doesnt feel like it at the moment. The Mothers  by Brit Bennett What Its About: Nadia Turner is in her last year of high school and grieving the death of her mother when she begins secretly dating Luke Sheppard, a twenty-one year-old former football player whose injury has left him waiting tables at a diner. Their short-lived and complicated romance impacts both of them well into adulthood. Why Past Me Should Read It: This haunting and lyrical novel is told from multiple perspectives, including Nadias and Lukes. On the surface, Luke seems like a textbook cad. However, the author takes us beyond Lukes exterior and shows us the reason for his behavior. Rather than relying on stereotypes, Bennett presents us with a fully-formed human with his own motives and regrets. This book would remind me that everyone is more complex than their worst moments. We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie What Its About: Adichie’s essay, based on her Tedx talk of the same name, explores feminism in a simple and conversational manner. She describes the chauvinism she has experienced and provides straightforward anecdotes of sexism to which many of us can identify. Why Past Me Should Read It: A cad, by definition, acts dishonorably toward women. Nobody needs that. Adichies slim book would be  a reminder that I can do better. The One Who Broke My Heart   Hyperbole and a Half: Unfortunate Situations, Flawed Coping Mechanisms, Mayhem, and Other Things That Happened  by Allie Brosh What Its About: Based on Broshs hilarious blog, the book is a compilation of drawings and stories of Broshs weirdness as a child, her odd dogs, and her struggles with anxiety and depression. Why Past Me Should Read It: This isnt a book about heartbreak. However, one of the worst parts of going through a breakup is feeling isolated. You cant talk to the person that used to be one of your closest friends. Sometimes, the two of you had mutual friends and youre not sure how to talk to them anymore. Broshs book is so emotionally honest and funny, its hard to feel alone while youre reading it. Anyone whos ever felt like the weird one in a social situation- or who has battled depression or anxiety- will relate to Broshs stories.   Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love Life from Dear Sugar  by  Cheryl Strayed What Its About: The compilation of Strayed’s once-anonymous advice column from The Rumpus website provides wise and empowering advice on everything from sex to relationships to pursuing your dreams. Why Past Me Should Read It: Reading this book is like spending the evening with your empathetic but unflinchingly honest best friend. And Strayeds no-bullshit approach would really have resonated at a time when I felt like everyone had it together except me. An Untamed State by Roxane Gay What Its About: Mireille  is visiting her parents in Haiti with her husband and infant son when shes kidnapped in front of her fathers Port-Au-Prince estate in broad daylight by a gang of heavily armed men. As it becomes clear her father intends to resist the kidnappers, Mireille must endure the torments of a man who resents everything she represents.  An Untamed State  tells the story of Mireilles thirteen days in captivity, as well as her subsequent struggle to regain her sense of self. Why Past Me Should Read It: After my first heartbreak, I desperately needed to get out of my own head. I was too focused on my unfolding personal drama. An Untamed State  is the kind of novel that will transport you from wherever you are into Mireilles world. This powerful story of devastation and redemption  will also put into perspective any typical romantic quarterlife crisis. The One Whose Heart I Broke   The Missing Piece Meets the Big O by Shel Silverstein What Its About: The Missing Piece is a triangle who is searching for the piece that will complete him. Some pieces are too small, some are too large. One fits at first until the Missing Piece begins to outgrow him. Eventually, the Missing Piece meets the Big O, who teaches him that no other pieces are required. Why Past Me Should Read It:   Breaking up with someone often comes with  so much guilt. Its terrible to know that  youve hurt someone. In my twenties, I would sometimes try to make a relationship work well past the point when I knew I was unhappy. This book serves as a reminder that sometimes, in order to be whole, we have to roll on our own. Written on the Body by Jeanette Winterson What Its About: This all-consuming novel explores the passionate highs and devastating lows of being in love. The narrator, who has neither name nor gender, chronicles an affair with Louise, an unhappily married woman with a terrible secret. The story is a cathartic meditation on love lost. Why Past Me Should Read It:   This book  more fully encompasses an obsessive love affair better than any other story Ive ever read. Im not saying that level of intensity is sustainable or even always desirable. But when I was hanging onto  lackluster relationships because I couldnt muster the energy to end them, this book would have made me say, Okay-  that. I need to feel more of that in my life. The Mutually Assured Destruction Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn What Its About: Amy and Nick are preparing to celebrate their fifth wedding anniversary when Amy disappears. Mired in lies and deceit, Nick is the obvious suspect. But Amys diary reveals a woman more complicated than she initially seemed. This book (and the subsequent movie) have been everywhere over the last few years- for good reason. Why Past Me Should Read It:   Sometimes you break someones heart. Sometimes you get your heart broken. And sometimes, you find yourself caught in a twisted, dysfunctional dance with someone you think you might have liked at some point. Typically considered a psychological thriller, this is also a cathartic read for anyone whos a disaster- and has recently gotten out of a relationship with a fellow hot mess. Zelda: A Biography  by Nancy Milford What Its About: Zelda Sayre Fitzgerald, best known as wife and muse to F. Scott Fitzgerald, was an author and artist in her own right. Zelda was passionate and rebellious- the flapper who symbolized the roaring twenties. Her desire to be creative often conflicted with F. Scotts appropriation of their lives for his work. Milford masterfully portrays their booze-y, tumultuous relationship. Why Past Me Should Read It:   F. Scott and Zelda seemed to really love it each other. Regardless, they often werent very good for one another- the quintessential mutually assured destruction couple. In my twenties, I romanticized the idea of tempestuous relationships among artists. This book shows the toll her marriage took on Zelda Trainwreck: The Women We Love to Hate, Mock, Fear And Why by Sady Doyle What Its About: She’s everywhere once you start looking for her: the trainwreck.  She’s Britney Spears shaving her head, Whitney Houston saying, “crack is whack,” and Amy Winehouse, dying in front of millions. But the trainwreck is also as old (and as meaningful) as feminism itself. From Mary Wollstonecraftâ€"who, for decades after her death, was more famous for her illegitimate child and suicide attempts than for  A Vindication of the Rights of Womanâ€"to Charlotte Brontë, Billie Holiday, Sylvia Plath, and even Hillary Clinton, Sady Doyle’s  Trainwreck  dissects a centuries-old phenomenon and asks what it means now, in a time when we have unprecedented access to celebrities and civilians alike, and when women are pushing harder than ever against the boundaries of what it means to “behave.” Why Past Me Should Read It: Theres no shortage of people/media sources/comment sections ready to label a woman crazy- especially those of us who feel things strongly, struggle with addiction, or behave outrageously in public.  Many of us subconsciously internalize the message that were somehow irrevocably damaged. Doyles funny and insightful book gives us a social and historical context for our societys need to provoke, witness, and condemn women for their behavior. The Happily Ever After Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Cant Stop Talking by Susan Cain What Its About: In Quiet, Susan Cain argues that society undervalues introverts and shows how much we lose in doing so. She charts the rise of the Extrovert Ideal throughout the twentieth century and explores how deeply it has come to permeate our culture. She also introduces us to successful introvertsâ€"from a witty public speaker who recharges in solitude after his talks, to a record-breaking salesman who quietly taps into the power of questions. Passionately argued, superbly researched, and filled with indelible stories of real people, Quiet has the power to permanently change how we see introverts and, equally important, how they see themselves. Why Past Me Should Read It: This book was released when my now-husband and I had been dating for about six months. I was serious about him and I had never been so happy. But there was one consistent issue that bothered me. After a long and frustrating day, he wanted to go out and unwind with friends. Meanwhile, all I wanted to do was sit in my pajamas, each carbs, and watch Jeopardy! This doesnt sound like a big deal, but I sometimes wondered if this fundamental difference would divide us: Was I too antisocial to fit into his life well? And what was the deal  with his constant drive to be around other people? Reading Cains book was a serious aha! moment for me. It helped me realize that he gets the same sense of catharsis out of socializing  that I do from pizza and Alex Trebek. Were going for the same physiological response, but our bodies have different ways of getting there. That realization helped us tremendously- we found it much easier to encourage one anothers versions of self-care. The Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes What Its About:   Greys Anatomy. Scandal. How to Get Away with Murder.  Shonda Rhimes is a creative force who has had an enormous impact on the entertainment industry over the decade. This book explores the impact of a decision Rhimes made when,  over Thanksgiving dinner, her sister muttered something that was both a wake up and a call to arms: You never say yes to anything. Shonda knew she had to embrace the challenge: for one year, she would say YES to everything that scared her. This poignant, intimate, and hilarious memoir explores Shonda’s life before her Year of Yesâ€"from her nerdy, book-loving childhood to her devotion to creating television characters who reflected the world she saw around her. The book chronicles her life after her Year of Yes had begunâ€"when Shonda forced herself out of the house and onto the stage; when she learned to explore, empower, applaud, and love her truest self. Yes. Why Past Me Should Read It:   This book is a good balance to  Quiet. While self-care in any form is a necessity, so is occasionally moving out of your comfort zone. My husband is really good at saying yes to novel experiences- and getting me to do so as well. With his encouragement, Ive challenged myself by moving across the country, hiking a cloud forest in Panama, and reading my middle school journals in front of 500 strangers at a Mortified performance. After years of learning to take care of myself by saying no: To the wrong boys, bad choices, and self-doubt, its important to remember when to say yes.

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